Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken