Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

I like long walks away from everyone

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?