So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.