Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Tony Hawk, age 6
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn