@newcastlecourt

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

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@humanaaron

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

@AshleyFrankly

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

@hipsterocracy

People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.

@clichedout

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

@C00LpenNAME

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

@HenpeckedHal

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

@AaronFullerton

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”