Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
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[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I have so many questions.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Money is the root of all wealth
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright