ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Shoo shoo! 😂
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”