it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint