@MrsTomServo

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

@CarolinaSong

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

@m3aruf

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@recursivetaco

have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?

@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

@Marlebean

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall