Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

You Might Also Like


Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.


Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off


Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.


pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me


“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.


have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?


Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents


“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall