[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
❤️🦆
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?