A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
– looking for shells on the north pole beach
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ME: hey did u get my letter?
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!
Sorry my mom wouldn’t stop talking on our killing spree.
I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET