Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

The cake is mightier than the sword.