Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.