Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Dolls on drugs
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was