Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
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[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
What number SPF blocks people?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Someone just threatened to call me later
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.