God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Joan of Arc was sainted but I’m the only person in our house who replaces the toilet paper and nobody says a word.
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I just died ????????????????????
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!
“What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
TRIX RABBIT [finally eating a bowl of Trix cereal]: Ehh
“Wetalian!” -Multiple Italians
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.