and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
@funTweeters
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
British websites use biscuits.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly