Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”