[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
You Might Also Like
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Check your privilege
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged