@jazz_inmypants

[job interview at Sears]

MANAGER: why do you want to work here?

ME: because I need a jo-

MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?

ME: …i don’t :/

MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we

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@SimplySnaccbar

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

@Ygrene

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

@tastefactory

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

@ThisOneSayz

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

@boozemunkee

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

@StevieKnip

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

@novicefather

Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

@lovemydogduck

I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)

@TheDairylandDon

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

@OrdinaryAlso

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.