Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
[job interview at Sears]
MANAGER: why do you want to work here?
ME: because I need a jo-
MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?
ME: …i don’t :/
MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we
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Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.