[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Growing up was a huge mistake
this independent good boy don’t need no human
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.