@Sanbel11

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

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@_xLNc

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

@missekay

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

@karentozzi

Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.

@AimeeHelene1

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

@Darlainky

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

@Contwixt

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

@AndyAsAdjective

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

@evanR39

If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.