I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
i wish i lost weight as fast as i lose motivation
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.