[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Found the job I’m suited for
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear