Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
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[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
This guy gets it.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.