Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”