*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
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Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”