@C00LpenNAME

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

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@Brianhopecomedy

Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.

@TheAlexNevil

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

@patrickmarkryan

*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”

@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

@DrSadieM

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

@KentingtonC

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

@UniqueDude2

{At the art museum with my newborn son}
baby: dada?
Me: it’s impressionist you stupid baby

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*