be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
thanks auntie mary
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The Backseat Boys
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*