Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

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“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment


Goth girls be like “I know a plot” then take you for a picnic in the graveyard at night


Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?


Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.


Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.


I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.


Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)


What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?


I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?