Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
You Might Also Like
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies