“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
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Goth girls be like “I know a plot” then take you for a picnic in the graveyard at night
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?