Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

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Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case


“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.


Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink?

5yo: I don’t have poison on my fingers!

Me: But why did you….wait, what?


If you didn’t want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.


Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!


spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining


I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions


You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.


No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.