Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The Sun
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave