Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red