[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
thank god
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.