[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.