[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites


Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.


“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.


Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.


I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.


Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.


A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair


[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”