[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh