[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The future is now.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Go hard or stay average
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Challenge accepted.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.