[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
True
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.