I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Boss: What is your best trait?
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.
We’re on the 12th floor…
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]