[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?