[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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Pizza is an emotion right?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Vodka burrito was a success
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?