“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
CUTE GIRL AT SCHOOL: wanna come study *bites lower lip* anatomy with me?
ME: nah, i’m not in that class this semester
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?