[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”