@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

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@kelkulus

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”J0hnnyBlaze”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3031129469/e6b90560ea56fb150f5a77fe8c7a14cc_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”336301334074638336″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@chuuew

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

@CulturedRuffian

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

@MsLadyLuvBug

It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.

@TheMichaelRock

[inventor of public restrooms]

What if people were close enough to hold hands while they poop?

@Vanilla_cupcak

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

@NYC_Blonde

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

@Cheeseboy22

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.