@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

You Might Also Like

@_SingleBabyMama

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

@Rollinintheseat

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

@TheHyyyype

CUTE GIRL AT SCHOOL: wanna come study *bites lower lip* anatomy with me?

ME: nah, i’m not in that class this semester

@LindseyEllison2

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

@TheAndrewNadeau

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

@ThePocketJustin

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

@BlindVigil

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?