[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

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8: ow
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on


A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath


Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.


Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.


Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up


ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?

7: Do you have cheese?

ME: yes

7: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

7: Do you have bread and mayo?


7: I want spaghetti


They always say to follow your gut, that’s why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.


Odin is a king, Thor got his gender switched to a woman, Disney owns Marvel. So Thor is….A DISNEY PRINCESS KINDA!


ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.


If we call people named David, Dave for short, does that mean Flava Flav’s real name was Flavour Flavid?