@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

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@iwearaonesie

8: ow
ow
ow
ow
ow
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on

@allyneedy

A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath

@WilliamAder

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

@TheCatWhisprer

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

@skwunt

ME: Hey kid, what do you want for dinner?

7: Do you have cheese?

ME: yes

7: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

7: Do you have bread and mayo?

Me: YES

7: I want spaghetti

@Jam453Lane

They always say to follow your gut, that’s why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.

@AnOrangeSNES

Odin is a king, Thor got his gender switched to a woman, Disney owns Marvel. So Thor is….A DISNEY PRINCESS KINDA!

@maurajbg

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

@Kryzazy

If we call people named David, Dave for short, does that mean Flava Flav’s real name was Flavour Flavid?