[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Lmao
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Feels
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Don’t snitch tag.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.