[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Every damn time
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.