[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die