[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO