I didn’t Survive Cooties to be Taken Out by a Goddam Virus.
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.