<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Kids: Stay in school.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.