<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“You’d better run, egg!”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Sticker placement is key.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.