{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]


This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.


I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.


TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm


Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.


mom: ur not a vampire

[me hanging from my bunk bed]

mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls

me: vhaaaaaaat?


I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn’t even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.


In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.


[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here


Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?