[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.