[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.