JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.