JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?


People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.


Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!


Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.


ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.


Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.


[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.


A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.