JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
i spent way too long on this
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.