@scot7a

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

You Might Also Like

@Hadzilla

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

@ruinedpicnic

Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

@truegritrumble

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

@ClichedOut

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.