JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Blew my mind.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”