JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
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How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Roses are red, you always mattered,
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.