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@UnFitz

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

@QwertyJones3

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

@thatdutchperson

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

@HenpeckedHal

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

@GrumpyBahr

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@Mikecanrant

*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*

*Turns to GF*

“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”