You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
You are what you delete.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?