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@jergarl

Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?

Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..

No?

W: Really? Idiot.

@NewDadNotes

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

@daemonic3

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

@Be___Dope

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

@marinhubka

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

@FriendlyAssh0le

if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.

@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

@ChaseMit

Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.