Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?
Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..
W: Really? Idiot.
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Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God: technically that’s a tooth.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Her: hear that?
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.
In a land with no pockets, the man with the fanny pack is king.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.