accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds