Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult