I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
happy friday
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems