JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
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I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*serious situation*
My brain:
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.